This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.

Hypocrisy is the vaseline of thefreecountry.com: free programmers' resources, free webmasters' resources, free security resources social intercourse.

The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?" "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. what's in dave's spare room? "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"

The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. coolabout -- Steve Wright

Have you ever noticed that at write for us trade shows Microsoft is always the one giving away stress balls... -- From a Slashdot.org post

Procrastinators do it tomorrow.

Hackers do it with bugs.

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues portal that are in all the other museums." -- Steven Wright

Then there was the girl who was engaged to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.

Open Source Irrational Constant BREEZEWOOD, PA -- In a revelation that could rock the foundations of science, a researcher in Pennsylvania has discovered that the digits of the irrational constant PI encode a version of the Linux kernel. "I can't believe it," the researcher, Neil Hoffman, exclaimed. "And yet, here I am staring at what appears to be the source code for Linux kernel 5.0.0. Needless to say, my whole world-view has changed..." Hoffman explained, "My algorithm, which applies several dozen conversions and manipulations to each digit of PI, spits out plain vanilla ASCII characters that happen to form the source code for the Linux kernel." Many members of the scientific community are skeptical. One One mathematician who has memorized the digits of PI to 10,000 places said, "This is the kind of nonsense one would expect to find in a tabloid such as the National Mathematics Enquirer. Or a Linux fortune(6) file. Hoffman's 'discovery' is obviously a hoax designed to secure government research grants." In a related matter, we have received an unconfirmed report that a region of the Mandelbrot fractal contains what appear to be the words "LINUS TORVALDS WAS HERE". In addition, the words "TRANSMETA: THIS SECRET MESSAGE IS NOT HERE YET" supposedly appear within the depths of the Julia Set.

Der Reingewinn ist der Teil der Bilanz, den der Vorstand beim besten Willen nicht mehr vor den Aktionären verstecken kann. -- Carl Fürstenberg

A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. -- Donald A. Metz

A liberal is someone too poor ingres, operations management to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Calvin Coolidge

Join the march to save individuality!

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

Hear about... the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, texttovoice crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?

spinster, n.: metalssiding Unlusted number.

"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to eat it nevertheless." -- Flaubert

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard M. Nixon

If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National". -- George Will

If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml attack her again tomorrow. I just couldn't help myself. -- Adolf Hitler

Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!

As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you're a veterinarian."

My life needs a rewind/erase button. -- Calvin

Age, n.: That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling technical topics - desktop those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit. -- Ambrose Bierce

(1) If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. (2) If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. (3) Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. (4) It's jnb-june bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. (5) Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. (6) Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. (7) Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. (8) Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. (9) Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. (10) The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"

I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber. But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as nose-picking. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout"

Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!

Elvis ist tot, Jimmy ist tot, Heino lebt - Warum?

Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Professor: Keep your chin up. Fry: Ow, my chin!

horny, adj.: When your cock gets hard if access property editor - set allowbypasskey - for ms access databases the wind blows.

A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. -- H. L. Mencken

Hear about... the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?

A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.

Never let your perl cgi script debugging: solving a 500 internal server error (thesitewizard.com) schooling interfere with your education.

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?

Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.

Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you the learning center store take it all and I say enough!

Every time I think that perhaps we are an advanced race, I turn around and read ramblings on Slashdot, and realize I was wrong. -- From a Slashdot.org post

Pedaeration, n.: The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. -- Rodney Dangerfield

We are going to have technical comparison of db2 and mysql peace even if we have to fight for it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.

Bi now, gay later!

Programmers do it until it goes down.

Q: How many Bill java news brief::oci::october issue Gateses does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him. A: None. He declares Darkness(tm) the new industry standard.

"The key to foreign policy is to rely on reliance." George W. Bush November 1, 2000 Quoted from the Washington Post.

You will not be elected to public office this year.

Hear about... the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard.

"Are you all right?" -Leela "Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender

Hear about... the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that single board computer (sbc) quick reference guide he'd never be able to face his girl again?

Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before my bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when I be dry; And I shall about us love thee still, my dear, Until my wife is wise.

QOTD: "I don't give a flying fuck at a claimsprospector rolling doughnut."

Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd use these listings to locate free embedded linux resources on the web ... like to watch him have another."

A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. -- Thomas Hardy

Oh I'm just a typical American boy From a typical American town. I believe in God and Senator Dodd And keeping old Castro down. And when it came my time to serve I knew "Better Dead Than Red", But when I got to my old draft board, Buddy, this is what I said: Chorus: Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, And I always carry a purse! I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, And my asthma's getting worse! Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, And my poor old invalid aunt! Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school And I'm a-working in a defense plant! -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"

How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored? computersandjunk -- Calvin

transvestite, n.: Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis." George W. Bush April 15, 2000 Comment made on NBC's Meet the Press.

"I don't care what the polls say. I don't. I'm doing what I think what's wrong." George W. Bush March 15, 2000 The presidential candidate referring to his proposed economic plan---as reported freshlinks in the New York Times.

Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes...

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary Jo Kopechne migrating from microsoft access to mysql drowned? A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?

A reactionary is a man whose political opinions adobe press always manage to keep up with yesterday.

"The education issue sourceforge.net: exiting with error ought to be discussed about." George W. Bush December 15, 2000 Speaking to press during meeting with Louisiana Senator John Breaux in Austin, TX.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry

It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.

spinster, n.: A bachelor's wife.

We must! We must! We must increase our bust! The bigger the better! The tighter the sweater! And the boys will think more of us!

"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." -- Ashleigh Brilliant

What are YOU doing to oppose the Microsoft Juggernaut?

Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.

Never trust an operating system you don't developer home - products & technologies have sources for.

It's spelled unixodbc Linux, but it's pronounced `Not Windows' It's spelled Windows, but it's pronounced `Aieeeeeeee!' -- Shannon Hendrix

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go. "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No, it's too hot there." "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."

ANAL ASEXUAL Astro B.C BANKHEAD BI BIO BORSCHT BRAINPAN BURRITO BURRITOS Barbie Bo Bonzo CARCRASH CASIO CHAINSAWS CHIVAS COM CORDOVANS COSELL CROATIAN Carlsbad Clift Cosell Cupcake DAIQUIRI DELI DIDI DISCO DISNEYWORLD DONUT DOUGHBOY Darvon Di Disco Donnie EDSELS EMOTE EUBIE Enema FALAFEL FISHNET FISHWICH FLEMMING FLOATATION FROLICSOME Feinstein GOLDIE GORRY GUCCIONE GUIDELIGHT Gibble Ginzberg HAIRPIECE HAWN HAYWORTH HITCHHIKING HOAX HOUSECAT Hmmm I.Q INTESTINAL Iranian JELL JELLO JILLIAN'S JULIENNED Jodie KATRINKA KNOCKWURST LBJ LING LONI LUGOSI Loni Lycra MALIBU MCMAHON MELBA MERYL MMM MOGULS MONTALBAN'S MOUSSE MSG MT MTV MYSTERIANS Macy's Meese Monkees NABOBS NAGEELA NEBULATION NICKLES NUTRA Niro OLFACTORY OMNIVERSAL OVULAR Osmond Osmonds PAISLEY PASTA PG Pharoahs Provolone R.V.'S RAPHAELITE RICARDO RITA Rom Roni SAGAN SANFORIZE SCHROON SCIENTOLOGIST SERBO SHOPLIFT SINATRA SKEE SODOMIZE SONTAG STREEP Safeway Slezak Spandex T.V TACO TAILFINS TALLULAH TINA TRANSSEXUAL TRYNEL Tenafly Tex Th Tylenol Uh VASELINE VELVEETA WESSON YEH YUBBA Yum ZIPPY Zippy Zippy's barbequeued chr co cranial creme devalue disco donut donuts dusenjet einem einige frolicking fuschia gladiatoren gothic graphisticator hors houseboy ich im jahr kidnapped lande laundromat laundromats lesbian li'l manicurist matic meatball meltdown naugahide obstetrician poindexter pre psilocybin quaaludes quadrophonic rieche s'posed scientology skintight skydiving solarium spielen telex th th'HOLIDAY th'MAMBO th'RAIN th'WRENCH th'cute thru thumbtack uh um urinate vaseline vor zzzzzzzzz

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx

The Latest Get-Rich-Quick Scheme: Bashing Linux As used by Jesse Berst and Fred Moody... 1. Write a scathing article attacking some facet of Linux and publish it 2. Arrange for the article to be mentioned on LinuxToday or Slashdot. 3. Watch as thousands of angry Linux zealots storm your article and load the advertising banners. Listen to the ca-chink $ound of the advertising revenue that's pouring in. 4. As soon as the maelstrom quiets, publish another scathing article about the immaturity of the Linux "community", excerpting some of the nasty flames from Linux longhairs linuxdevices.com influential executives interview series denouncing your intelligence and claiming that you're on the Microsoft payroll. 5. Arrange for the article to be mentioned on LinuxToday or Slashdot. 6. Watch as thousands of angry Linux zealots storm your article... 7. Wait for a few weeks, and repeat. Cash your inflated paycheck, invest the proceeds in some Linux stocks, and retire early. You've "earned" it!

"We've got things well in hand." -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.

Hear about... articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml the new German microwave oven? Seats 500.

There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"

Originelle Formulierungen sind noch nicht originelle Einsichten. -- Ludwig Marcuse

"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology." -- James R. F. Quirk

I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of nature's sweet pleasures, and reference so handy.

What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep, I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.

77. HO HUM -- The Redundant ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the ---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to --- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. Nine in the second place means: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. Six in the third place means: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!

Politician, n.: From the linux Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or "face," as in "tete-a-tete:" head to head or face to face). Hence "polytetien," a person of two or more faces. -- Martin Pitt

First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

You will pay for your sins. If you have cynergi already paid, please disregard this message.

"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." -- George Saunders' dying words

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a ds chair. -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? -- Arlo Guthrie

Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.

QOTD: "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve."

If being bi increases your chance products of getting a date, does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?

Montana: Where men are men and women are sheep.

Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.

"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles."

Hear about... jdbc drivers the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. Linux is the answer.

Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

"Here's something wharton school publishing to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?" -- Jay Leno

He's learned about 50% of suche the rules of sex and conversation; he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.

Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish? A: Give her a couple of test tickles.

Ein kluger Mann widerspricht seiner Frau nicht. Er wartet, bis sie es selbst tut. authors -- Humphrey Bogart

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate hughes technologies : the home of mini sql (msql) into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

77. HO HUM -- The Redundant ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife ------- (7) smells bad. Your children community have hives. You are working ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the ---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to --- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. Nine in the second place means: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. Six in the third place means: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!

A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep up with yesterday.

A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' you now: Save me, Lord, save me." Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls to his death. "DUMB YANKEE."

Ehrman's Commentary: (1) embedded linux wins big in linux journal editors' choice awards Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better?

Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. -- John Maynard Keynes

Pop a Poppler in your mouth When you come to Fishy Joe's What they're made of is a mystery Where they come from no one knows You can pick 'em you can lick 'em you can chew 'em you can stick 'em If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.

It is generally agreed en2 that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"

I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. -- R. Geis

Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 WITLESS: Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.